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Old July 16th, 2012, 07:07
GwendleSailor GwendleSailor is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Default Loss of Grandpa and feeling

Hi there,

Sorry, this could end up quite lengthy.

Two months ago I lost my Grandfather. It was very sudden, I was speaking to him the night before, and then I get a call in the morning saying he has past.


I'm 21 years old, and I've been in a stable, amazing relationship (he's 23) for a year in which I have been living with my partner for 10 months (I've lived out of home and supported myself since I was 17, but it was new for him). It's been a big year, with my health all over the place, being hospitalised, and later losing my job because of it. I haven't been in employment for about four months, and it's also the first year I haven't had any study (though I tried just after Grandpa passed, and then just couldn't handle it). It's also affected my social life, as I haven't been well enough to get out of the house. Obviously, because of finances of the real world, we haven't had the money to keep up with my once blooming social life. Because of this, many friends have disappeared, and some of them haven't been in contact since my relationship began - which is also my fault as all new relationships start with infatuation and crazy love. I've tried reaching out to old friends in the last six months, some of them responded, others didn't, well most didn't. I have 2 or 3 friends that take the effort to come and see me, and that all me to go see thing or hang out in a cost effective manner. I've basically become a home body, and I'm dealing with that better than expected. My relationship has gone through a bit this year, our house flooded in February, I got sick and hospitalised in March, I lost my job in April, and then I lost my Grandfather in May. There have been little things along the way that have been really frustrating, such as my washing machine and dryer breaking down, bank account being drained because of fraud, kittens getting sick and needed expensive medicine. We've had to borrow money from my parents which has reached the thousands. There's no pressure from them to pay it back quickly, but it has sucked. We haven't had a car for 9 of the 10 months we live together, and recently aquired my deceased grandfathers van. Then there is even littler things that have really started to bother me. Like most of my clothes are getting holes in them (I hate clothes shopping, and haven't bought clothes for over a year), and because of no job and being sick I've put on weight. Minute things, I know.

Now, here's the problem.

My realtionship has weathered everything perfectly. We just keep getting stronger, and it has made everything easier and not that big of a deal. I have never felt so at ease when things have gone wrong, and I'm naturally a his stress person, and a woorry wart. But, about a month after my Grandfather passed I was stricken with an ice cold fear and thought that felt like a realisation which was that I don't love my partner. This scared the crap out of me, and panicked me, and brought me to tears. I spoke to him about it, was hypervetialating because I don't want that to be true. I have never been closer with anyone, he brings out the best and worst qualities, and I actually be myself more than with any friend or past boyfriend. He is my best friend, my confidante, and my partner. The gravity of this relationship is so big that for someone who never wanted to settle down, get married, and have kids (the thought used to PETRIFY me), this guy brings out that safe feeling and makes me WANT to go through those life events with him - and I've NEVER had that feeling with anyone. I have never had a thought of not being with, and not loving, and aside from not putting the toilet seat down, or leaving clothes and towels over the house, he has never done a thing wrong by me, and has always supported me. It all happened so suddenly. He just returned from a 3 day work trip, and I was so excited he was home, and I was all over him and so happy. Then literally the next minute I was anxious as hell. We spoke about it, I felt a little better. The next day it came up again, and I freaked more intensely, and later cried about my grandfather. This has been the cycle for the past month. Last week, I even got so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't shower, and I even had a thought of strangling my cat. It's not me, and all I felt like doing was peeling my skin off (I know, twisted, and a bit gross). I have been forcing myself to get up and do things like I did before that wave hit, and trying not to think negatively, but there is just this underlying HURT and genuine PAIN that I just cannot deal with.

I didn't greive about Grandpa for the first month, in fact I basically ignored, acknowledged that it was sad and moved on. I was apparently really distant with my partner (which freaked me into thinking I didn't love him even more!).

I am wondering if grief can be projected onto other things. Like, you can't possibly face the reality that someone so close and cherished by you is gone and left you this pain, that it has to be another reason. I don't find myself actually grieving for my grandfather until I either A) work myself up into an uncontrollable emotional state or I'm tipsy.

I was insanely close with my Grandfather, he was one of best friends, he shares the same birthday as my partner which I found really cute. He's always been there, with heaps of funny stories, and sayings, and so much wisdom and insight. He was truly an amazing man, who just kept on loving and living life up until the end no matter how sick he was. He always told me he had 1500 saturday's left (even though he was 74), and I guess on some level I believed him, or wished it to happen. I pictured him being there for major life events, and feel somewhat robbed that I didn't get those experiences with him. I am the youngest Grandkid of 9, but my sister and I were so physically and emotionally close with my Grandpa and my Grandma (died 2007). I didn't feel as confused and all over the place when Grandma died, and I find myself thinking about her more now than when she originally passed. I was truly priviliged to have both of them in my life, and I'm so glad and proud that at least my partner got to meet my Grandpa, and that my Grandpa adored him. Seriously, adored him. Left him his tools, his van, his special engraved watch, and his lifetime collection of "missing keys". My Grandpa knew he my partner wasn't going anywhere, and said that the proverbial brick had fallen on my head making me know it too. Which is true.

I'm also feeling a bit like, I don't deserve my partner because I'm feeling like this, and because I'm not offering anything other than house cleaning to the relationship (how I feel lately). I'm not ready to be a stay at home house wife, and have a few more years of ambitions and living in me. I want to contribute more to the relationship, I want to be able to go out with him, and have fun (haven't been able to do that as much because of finances), and just stay at home with him without any stress. I miss how I felt before my Grandpa died. Though there was a butt load of **** going on, I was happy, I was fulfilled. I still enjoy having my baby home, I still enjoying playing video games and watching TeeVee for him, or cooking him a nice dinner. I just want to be able to not have a niggling voice in the back of my head trying to bring me down. I just want to deal with whatever is causing it.

Sorry, this did end up quite lengthy. I'm really sorry, if you've taken the time to read this, you are a legend and if I could I would bake you a cake.

Kind thoughts and well wishes!

Gwendle Sailor
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