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Old December 10th, 2012, 16:37
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 477
Default " Life in Color"

I wanted to post some rambling thoughts.. feel free to chime in if this feels the same with you....

It's been 4 years.. 4 months .... 11 days or 1,604 Days -- or -- 229 Weeks and 1 Days since I spoke with Tam last... when you write it down and look at the numbers it really doesn't seem like that long after all.. But on the other hand I think back to all the holiday's.. birthdays.. anniversaries.. special events.. that have past in this time.. "Life has been happening all around me"......... My beginning to date again... Meeting my new wife Kathy unexpectedly... the courtship.. the proposal.. the remarriage... it still seems all surreal.."Never in a million years did I expect to start Dating or to fall in love again... let alone get remarried... How I went from this deep hole.... where there was nothing but greyness and lack of life.."just stasis.. perpetual misery held in check. going through the automatic " Imitation of Life". "Life frozen in an instant..." Like a Polaroid picture... Memories frozen in Time...a thick gelatinous time where everything was labored and moved slowly.great pain and misery befell every thought.... To a Jump in Hyper Speed... like a Freaking Flash from the past>>>>> a Lightning Bolt Strike of speed and distance from where it all started...

Some days I still feel like I'm living in the Circumference of the Impact Crater..That was left in my Life on July 30th 2008 in losing Tam.. Like the outskirts of a jagged and broken ruins... A life that held so much meaning and I was living a previous life in a different century.. surreal

Other days It feels like I'm different from that life time that has past... but in many ways still the same person... Like I have been broken open re-wired(... ... Version 2.0..... ) Upgraded.. changed.. same Core person at heart.. Just different....I guess.....

Though I have been able to move with the flow of Life and try and find acceptance and understanding... Somewhere deep down ...I still feel at my heart I can't wait to see her again.. I miss our conversations from so many years back.. The sound of her joyous laughter..Her warmth.. her love..

I feel sometimes like on that fateful day my Life became Black and white and grey.. devoid of any other colors... It felt that way for what seemed a life time.. until slowly but surely sprigs of color started to appear in my life again..Like vibrant colored wild flowers popping up in a barren field after the rain.. Like they had always been there but just had been waiting for the rain and the sun to germinate their seeds... As colors long wait final came to an end it was like a mad rush to populate and explode forth driving back the bleakness of the black/white grey existence. Like an old movie re colored from black and white.... bits and pieces of my current life started to develop color and take on a new meaning.. a new purpose...

The course of my life was greatly changed ... not by my choice but .. it took on a new direction...sometimes situations or happenings in my current Life mimic my old life.. "LIKE A DE JA VU" experience... like this "AH HA" moment befalls me.. like "HEY" this situation seems strangely familiar again...

Other times it feels like I have still been frozen in time since that fateful day.. I think I have mentioned it before I think in a previous post.. When people ask me my age for some reason I still think I'm 43years old.. Weird almost like a skip in memory.. time and space... I stop myself and give the correct age before anyone thinks " Ya He's A Nutbar" lol but it still feels like part of me wants to believe this didn't happen.. It's like a BIG JOKE and Tammy is going to step out of some hidden door or from behind a curtain and "Yell's.......... Surprise!!!!!"

But the logical part of my mind is saying " NO THAT ISN"T GOING TO HAPPEN!! " it's like still being caught between two worlds.. "The OLD and the NEW" like stepping into an new alternate reality... and still having full view of old one... one foot in the old one in the new.. "LIKE SOME GREAT TIME PARADOX"... Sometimes it feels Like Echos of my Past....

Even after this length of time.. I accept that she is gone.. I accept the circumstances and the times that followed losing her... I have an understanding ....but I wouldn't say complete closure just yet.. Because deep down somewhere within me...... I still want this to have just been a real bad dream...

Funny even after life kicks you down hard .. We still remain an eternal optimist..
Life will get better but it just goes to show you our loved ones never truly leave us.. They live on in us... our children and in precious memories or gifts...Life always changes and carries on .. but memories are eternal...Our echo's of our past will always be with us..

Thank you for taking time to read my rambling thoughts..

As always I wish you peace..

Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...


Last edited by cal821 : December 14th, 2012 at 16:31.
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