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Old October 26th, 2008, 14:15
KarenKD KarenKD is offline
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Location: Gulfport, Ms.
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Default How do you move on with life when its gone?

My fiance passed away on October 15. Just 11 days ago. I must say it seems like eternity though. We have been together 1 1/2 years. He was 23. I know about the feelings of guilt. I was at work that day and I called him at 10 till 7 like i always did to let him know i was going to be late leaving work. He said he was at his sisters and was getting ready to leave their and going to our place to take a nap till I got home. I left on the road 30 mins later than I normally did. At 7:30 he called me crying and saying he just couldnt handle it anymore. He was begging me to please come home quick, he missed me and loved me. I was trying so hard to get home. After about 2 conversations, he told me he had taken some pills. I called his aunt telling her to go check on him. He got up, told her he was fine and he really didnt do anything. He called me back and said.."baby, my chest hurts and I cant breathe... I love you". I called his aunt back and made it home shortly after that. He was already unconcious and starting going into a seizure shortly after I got there. The paramedics came in and made me leave. I was at the hospital for about an hour before they finally came in and told me he wasnt going to make it through the night. He made it about another hour. I love that man more than anything... he knew it. We, as many people, had our money issues and he had a hard time growing up. I told him no matter what, as long as we had each other, we would be ok. I thought I was enough. Come to find out, he had actually told everyone at work he was going to do it that night but they said he was laughing and joking about it so no one took him seriously. I found out when I went back to work he had called at what time Im assuming is just before he lost conciousness, he thought to call my work and leave my a voicemail. In a very slurred voice it says, "Karen, I love you". I just cant help but think if I had been there on time, this wouldnt have happened. He would still be here. Im having a hard time coping with this and I think my brain is coming up with the idea that we just broke up. I know its not true but I cant wrap my head or heart around the fact that he is dead. Anyone?? Advice. Please.
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Old October 26th, 2008, 21:05
Rachele Rachele is offline
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I'm very sorry for your loss. Not sure you could have known he thought things were terrible enough to end his life over. Some people have a plan in advance and some are impulsive and think it's the answer or way out, when there could have been another way to cope. I know it doesn't bring him or back or change the feelings you currently have of guilt. It takes time to move on with life. Life does goes on with working and daily functioning but for us who are grieving, life is frozen in time. I have found turning to others who are also grieving helpful. Also, writing, music, reading spiritual books and therapy. We all have to find what works for us and the time it takes to heal the pain. It has taken me over a year now. The pain is not as intense as it initially was when my mom died unexpectedly but the longing and missing her is still there. I sometimes feel her spirit with me and certainly her memory will always live with me in my heart. Hoping you find some comfort and healing in time. Love, Rachele
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